I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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