I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
