so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
