I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
