Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
