jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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