Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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