I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
