Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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