When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
