My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
