Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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