I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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