i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
