I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
