I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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