We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
