I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
