everyone is single if you try hard enough
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
