somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
