Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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