I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
