When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
