You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
