rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
