I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
