Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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