no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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