Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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