your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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