A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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