all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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