Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
