Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
