I think I am morally bankrupt
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We're too hungover to prance.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
