hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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