Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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