Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
