I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
