There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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