ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
