well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
