i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
