I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
