what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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