i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
