There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
