The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
