I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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