Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
